if i can run in heels then i can drive
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
