If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
