My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So drunk its hurt
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
