I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
