I can text with my tongue
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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