i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
