And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
