I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize