haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
