I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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