I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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