I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
