I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
