I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
