my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize