I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize