my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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