So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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