Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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