i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
