Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
