Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
