Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
