was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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