pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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