At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
