I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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