I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
