When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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