Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
