The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
