she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
