Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize