I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
