stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
