i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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