I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
