If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
