Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
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