I got her a Nickelback box set.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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