I'm gonna have a badass scar
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
