How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
