I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
