Three words: puerto rican gang bang
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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