im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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