I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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