You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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