Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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