I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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