Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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