Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
