Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
