Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I think my moral compass just broke
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
