Duck Duck Cougar?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
