You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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