I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Who died my cat blue again?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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