hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
