I just saw a hot homeless man
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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