i permit you to call me
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
