he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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