Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
