Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
